Begin Again
by hatondog
Summary: One shot tag for "Force Quit." The more things change...you know how the saying goes.


Begin Again

Zane stared into the barrel of the gun being pointed at his head by a Consortium goon. He felt completely helpless to defend himself or the other Astraeus crew members who still lay on beds around him. After a month of inactivity, his legs simply wouldn't support his weight, something he hadn't anticipated when he'd volunteered to be defibrillated out of virtual reality.

He'd managed to fall from his bed and drag himself halfway to his goal, the computer console that maintained the matrix of the artificial world he and the crew had become trapped in. But halfway wasn't good enough. He was about to be shot, and the faux Eureka was dissolving around the others. Rescue wouldn't come fast enough. They would all die.

When it came, the gunshot sounded like an explosion. Zane didn't even have time to flinch. His last thought was that being shot in the head wasn't as painful as he'd thought it would be.

Then he woke up.

Gasping, he sat up quickly in bed. Still caught in the dream, he jerked as a hand began stroking his back.

"Zane, what's wrong?" Jo sounded worried. Zane had been medically examined from head to toe. Other than residual muscle weakness, he was deemed healthy. Even so, no one could really predict what the effects of a month in suspended animation would be on the Astraeus crew. "Are you ok?"

He spun, angrily pushing her hand aside. His eyes were hard. Jo bit her lip but didn't pull back, and his expression softened.

"I'm fine," he said. "Just a dream." Zane reached a hand toward her face, but dropped it before they touched. He rolled out of bed and walked toward the bathroom. "Be right back."

Jo stared after him. They hadn't talked much since the crew was found and it occurred to her that she had no idea what was going through Zane's mind. During the rescue, his response to the need to sever the crew's connection to the matrix had been focused and appropriate. Heroic even, she remembered with a smile. But the fact remained that he'd been through a particular kind of hell. He'd skirted death and lost a close colleague to it.

Then there was the alternate reality they'd lived in for weeks. No one but Jack who wasn't a part of the crew knew a lot about what had gone on in there. Or had experienced the fear of never escaping to the real world they learned they weren't in.

The timeline shift she'd undergone a year before had been incredibly painful. It had changed her and her life in nearly every way. But she'd assumed that the Zane who returned from the virtual world he'd been trapped inside was essentially the same man she'd said goodbye to a month before.

Maybe she'd assumed too much.

Running her hand along her neck, Jo winced. She'd have bruises by morning, classic hickeys that would only be partially concealed by her olive skin. Sex with Zane was usually intense, but never even remotely rough. It hadn't been this time either, not really, but he had been different. Almost determined, as if he wanted to mark her. Why?

She mentally scrolled back through the day. When she'd arrived at GD to take Zane home, he'd already left. Hurt, she'd driven to his house, wondering if he'd just stopped in for a change of clothes. He wasn't there. It wasn't until Carter texted to alert her that he and Allison had taken the kids to Café Diem that she learned Zane was with them.

Zane greeted her warmly when she joined him there, yet something felt off. He didn't offer an explanation for leaving GD without her and she didn't ask for one, but the question hung in the air. Both were tense by the time they settled on the Café's patio.

As they sipped coffee through an awkward silence, Zane stared at her as if he was looking for something. Jo began to squirm under his gaze. So it was almost a relief when he asked if she planned to resume her walkabout, even though it was a question she'd hoped to avoid. She stammered out the first response that came to mind, that she wasn't planning to leave just then. It wasn't really an answer, but Zane seemed willing to accept it.

He'd relaxed then and they turned to lighter topics for a while until Fargo walked past. Conversation stalled at the reminder that the Astraeus mission hadn't ended well for everyone. When Carter rose to follow Fargo down the street, Zane pushed his chair back.

"Let's go," he said. "Where are we going?" she asked. His eyes remained locked on Fargo, but he answered quietly. "Home," he answered.

Assuming that he hadn't been referring to SARAH, Jo drove them to Zane's townhouse without discussion. Their discomfort with each other vanished as soon as the door clicked shut.

They left a trail of clothes from the front door to Zane's bedroom. Whatever else might have changed between them, their passion for each other was the same. Their mutual need was all-consuming, leaving them with no time for questions. Except for mindless murmurings, they didn't speak until Zane's nightmare startled them both awake.

If something more than a bad dream was wrong with him, Jo wouldn't learn what it was by herself. Yet a conversation with Zane about feelings would lead them places she wasn't sure she was ready to go. She wrapped her arms around herself and waited.

Zane came out of the bathroom, but didn't return to bed. Instead, he stood in shadows a few feet away. Jo pulled the sheet up to her neck, feeling bizarrely shy. And a little annoyed.

"What?" That came out more harshly than she'd intended. She took a deep breath and started again. "Zane, if there's something you want to say, just say it."

He stepped forward, rubbing his hands over his face.

"In the matrix," he looked at her for confirmation that she knew what he meant. She nodded. "A lot had changed. Almost everything was different in one way or another. Especially…". He turned to her. "You. You'd moved on."

"Moved on? You mean, I left Eureka?" she asked.

"No. You were here." He paused again. "But with someone else."

"Oh," Jo said, realization dawning.

"You wanted us to just be friends. The "without benefits" kind," he said wryly, then frowned. "I couldn't do it."

Jo stiffened. "What, not have sex?" she said indignantly.

"No. That's not it," he answered. "I couldn't watch you be with someone else."

He looked at her, the searching look back on his face. She looked back, eyes wide.

"Oh," she said again, in a near whisper. When she didn't say anything else, Zane nodded as if he'd gotten his answer. His expression became grim.

"Yeah. Oh. And now? I don't think I can watch you figure out if you want to be with someone else." He shrugged, then gestured toward the well rumpled bed. "So I can't do this anymore either, if that's where it's leading." Zane stood and looked away. "I'm really sorry, Jo. I think you should leave now."

He picked his jeans up from the floor and started to pull them on.

"Stop." Jo's voice was firm and strong. He turned and cocked an eyebrow at her. She rose off the bed. "So, let me get this straight. You _know _you were in some bizarro world—one _that wasn't real_—right?" With that, she poked him in the chest.

He snorted with surprise. "Yeah, so?"

"And you _know_ that whatever you saw in there wasn't real either, right?" She poked harder and Zane took a step back.

"Obviously," he answered.

"So why are you acting like whatever you saw the fake me doing—and whoever you saw me doing it with—is the one thing that really happened?" She gave him a last poke that bordered on a shove.

He grabbed her arms, holding them still. "Because I've seen where this can go," Zane answered grimly. "It happened to you, after the time shift. And to Allison in the matrix. We didn't have the kind of relationship you lost with the other me, or Allison lost with Carter, but thinking I'd lost any chance of something with you was still bad enough. I don't know if I can go through that again. And I don't know why you'd want to risk it—you didn't before I left for Titan. I didn't understand why you felt that way then, but I sure as hell do now."

Jo crossed her arms and took a step back from him. "Just a couple of months ago, you were the one telling me not to overthink whatever this is between us. Now you're saying you're not even willing to try?"

"No. I just need to know what we're trying for." He waved at the bed again. "Is this it all you want? Not saying it isn't great, but it's not enough. Not for me. Not anymore."

Jo sat down hard. "Who are you and what have you done with Zane Donovan?" She tried for humor in her tone, but fell short. Zane just shrugged and knelt down to retrieve his shoes from where they'd been kicked under the bed. "Zane," Jo started, not sure what she meant to say next. He looked up and whatever words had been forming died in her throat.

She'd seen this scene before. Zane on one knee, looking up at her expectantly. Before her timeline went off the rails, the Zane she'd once known had proposed. She'd frozen. By the time she'd shaken off her fear enough to accept the heart he was offering her, it was too late. That man, and her life with him, had ceased to exist.

Her eyes shifted to the Astraeus flight suit hanging on Zane's closet door. He would wear it the next day to a memorial service for Holly Marten. Holly had been on the Astraeus. Without any apparent doubt, she'd flown off toward adventure and the start of a relationship with Fargo. Then she'd died without knowing what kind of life they could have made together.

"It turns on a dime," said Jo. Zane followed her gaze to the flight suit and nodded his understanding. "I'm tired of being scared." The last was said in a whisper, as if to herself.

Although it was anything but funny, Zane nearly laughed. Instead, he reached out to turn her face to him. "You, scared? You're like a one woman army." His words were teasing, but his tone was gentle. He stroked a finger down her face. "OK. What are you scared of, Jo?"

She looked directly at him. "Losing you. Again," she said simply.

Zane looked at her for a long moment, then blew out a sigh. "You know," he said conversationally. "We're both idiots."

"Speak for yourself, flyboy," Jo fired back, wounded.

At that, Zane did laugh. "That's my JoJo." He pulled her to her feet and wrapped his arms around her.

"I do love you, you know," she said into his shoulder.

"Yeah, I know," Zane answered. Jo pulled back and punched him lightly. He grinned down at her. "Me too, JoJo. Me too."

"That's better," she said, smiling. "So now what? Do you still want me to go back to Carter's?"

Zane looked horrified. "No!" he snapped. Jo raised an eyebrow. "What-," she began, then stopped. A look of horror spread over her face too.

"You don't mean…you can't be serious. _He _was the 'someone else' you thought I was with? _Carter_?" Zane just shifted uncomfortably in response.

"Oh, my god. _That's _why Allison has been so jumpy around me. You…she…are you both crazy? You actually thought I'd hook up with Carter? That's _insane_," Jo hissed indignantly.

"It seemed real at the time, Jo. Believe me. Incestuous in a weird sort of way, but really really real," Zane assured her.

"I can't believe you'd think…" she trailed off. "Although, you know, Carter _is_ the sort of guy I'd usually go for. On paper, anyway. Clean cut, law-abiding, no mutant IQ level. Maybe I haven't thought this through well enough." She looked thoughtful.

"Shit," said Zane with feeling. "Knew I should have run while I had the chance." Then he kissed her.

She returned the favor before pulling away with a broad smile. "You're gullible when you get all emotional," she observed. "Good to know."

"I'm something else when I get all emotional too," Zane said, pressing against her. Her eyebrows raised. "Hungry," he said, releasing her suddenly. "Want a sandwich?" he called over his shoulder as he left for the kitchen.

Jo threw a pillow after him then went to his closet for a shirt to use as an impromptu bathrobe. She ran her hand over the flight suit hanging on the door, thinking of Holly.

"No more regrets," she promised herself and turned toward Zane to meet whatever came next.


End file.
